feeling trapped.

i'm sipping a gorgeous red straight from some delicious little vineyard in bordeaux.

a lot has happened since previous posts. and by a lot, i mean everything in my life has changed.

so, from march, sam and i went to shit. i guess it ended around july...and then i went wild. definitely a little off the rails. but i continued seeing him for two months after the breakup, which was not the smartest thing i've ever done. i like to say that we were never really meant to be, we just happened. and even after the love, we couldn't say no to one another. but when we'd say yes, we'd tear each other apart. i guess i liked getting hurt. by september, a move to france was the best possible way out of a bad situation. i can only imagine what people must have said about me last summer. however, i am trying to care less about what people think, and focus on my own self worth.

france taught me a lot about myself. i am such a strong girl/woman/whatever i am at the moment. i've already lived in a foreign country and survived, but this was in a different language, a completely different experience entirely. it was one of the best years of my life. however, dealing with my mental health on my own was a real challenge. i've found that my adhd seems to get worse with age. i've never really grown out of it as many do. with more responsibilities, the more the drowning feeling starts to rise.

there was a lot more to france, but i can't think. i've been back since july and things have gone from bad to worse. just in the last three days, three notable events have completely changed my view of myself. i miss france so much right now. i'd really like to just cut ties with everyone and start over. i want to focus on myself and finish this final year of university the best i can. after that, i'd like to run...

she is most definitely gutted right now.