feeling trapped.

i'm sipping a gorgeous red straight from some delicious little vineyard in bordeaux.

a lot has happened since previous posts. and by a lot, i mean everything in my life has changed.

so, from march, sam and i went to shit. i guess it ended around july...and then i went wild. definitely a little off the rails. but i continued seeing him for two months after the breakup, which was not the smartest thing i've ever done. i like to say that we were never really meant to be, we just happened. and even after the love, we couldn't say no to one another. but when we'd say yes, we'd tear each other apart. i guess i liked getting hurt. by september, a move to france was the best possible way out of a bad situation. i can only imagine what people must have said about me last summer. however, i am trying to care less about what people think, and focus on my own self worth.

france taught me a lot about myself. i am such a strong girl/woman/whatever i am at the moment. i've already lived in a foreign country and survived, but this was in a different language, a completely different experience entirely. it was one of the best years of my life. however, dealing with my mental health on my own was a real challenge. i've found that my adhd seems to get worse with age. i've never really grown out of it as many do. with more responsibilities, the more the drowning feeling starts to rise.

there was a lot more to france, but i can't think. i've been back since july and things have gone from bad to worse. just in the last three days, three notable events have completely changed my view of myself. i miss france so much right now. i'd really like to just cut ties with everyone and start over. i want to focus on myself and finish this final year of university the best i can. after that, i'd like to run...

she is most definitely gutted right now.

where i'm going to live next year...

if you could have them...

why would you settle for me?

jesus christ.

you know i'm only just fifteen, i like to kick, i like to scream;)

evan needs to know.

nothing has changed.
lack of contact is doing my head in.
for once, i am thoroughly enjoying uni.
except i witnessed a real life hammer attack outside of kimo's.
oh yeah, sam is taking me to mexico! maybe...

still losing weight ;)

hard times/busy times.

suprisingly cute.

i can't remember the last time i saw danni or christine. or jo for that matter.
and i can't remember the last time i spoke to evan properly. i wish i acutally knew exactly what was going on in her life.
i only see my housemates as i live with them, apart from weekends spent in hmv.
i haven't even seen sam since saturday and we were just getting used to spending every day together.
all i have now is exams and work.
and pretty soon i won't even be able to do that without the add medication i've been waiting to come through.
but, things with sam are going unbelievably well. oh just the other morning he couldn't sleep, and i was in work at half nine, so he woke up around seven, left me asleep in bed, went to the shop and made me a packed lunch with sandwiches and everything and even breakfast in bed. it was amazing haha. sad.
i'm shit scared about what happens next though. he's going into the marines. i'm moving to france...

jump around?

the man himself!!!111

(lovely bruise on my cheek)

oh yeah, there are 'friends,' and then there are friends.

and i am a wreck.

see what i'm trying to say is...

...you make things, better. and no matter what the day is, with you here...it's better! (gay...)

mmm sam's blood. i was actually up to my elbows in it. the whole thing wasn't even that bad, but the amount of blood and the fact that he was far too wasted to fight back made me freak out a bit. fuckin bouncers...

he's not meeting my mum until his two black eyes go away! :)